“I had a double bacon cheeseburger at Chili's, and I lost a tooth in it. My tooth!”

“I have this Waterpik that shoots water between your teeth. It's great. You do that along with flossing, and you know for a fact you've cleaned your mouth as much as humanly possible. It's li...”

“One line on a Tom Selleck sitcom does not a career make.”

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me...”

“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening, And live like it's heaven on earth.”

“So many books, so little time.”

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.”