Dorothy Parker

“It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.”

“Résumé Razors pain you, Rivers are damp, Acids stain you, And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful, Nooses give, Gas smells awful. You might as well live.”

“Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.”

“Don't look at me in that tone of voice.”

“I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.”

“I like to have a martini, Two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.”

“That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.”

“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.”

“I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.”

“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.”

“Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.”

“I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”

“I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.”

“Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.”

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”

“Men They hail you as their morning star Because you are the way you are. If you return the sentiment, They'll try to make you different; And once they have you, safe and sound, They want to...”

“Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.”

“Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.”

“The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.”

“If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.”