George Burns

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.”

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.”

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.”

“Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

“The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

“You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.”

“If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.”

“I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.”

“You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.”

“You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.”

“Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.”

“If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.”

“I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.”

“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.”

“I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.”

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”

“This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.”

“I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.”