Gilbert Gottfried

“I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep.”

“Well, I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.”

“My family originally lived in Brooklyn. Our first apartment was a little place above my father and uncle's hardware store in Coney Island. Now, don't get the impression that we were surround...”

“I don't know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I'm onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years.”

“I'm known for my slightly inappropriate remarks.”

“I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it's crying. The oth...”

“There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!”

“When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.”

“I found out about Jonathan Winters' death a day after it happened. That seems wrong. A talent like his should be more revered. The world knew about Kim Kardashian's divorce before she did.”

“The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.”

“Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.”

“I always feel that most political jokes, if you're going to do them, you have to do them within the next five minutes, or else they're outdated. By the time you've got it to the point that i...”

“I'm one of those people, in any country I'm in, if somebody could just put me in a car or a bus, I'll look out the window and say, 'OK, there's the Tower of London, there's Buckingham Palace...”

“The 'Phoenix Sun' did a list of the unsexiest men in the world, and I made it to number one. I beat out Bin Laden. He's a terrorist, hasn't bathed in months. I beat him out. To me it was a g...”

“I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.”

“No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.”

“I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.”

“There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows.”

“My Bubbie lived to 104, which is probably a little too old to consider a ripe old age, because she had already started to turn. I still say she died young.”

“If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever.”