Groucho Marx

“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”

“My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.”

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

“I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.”

“Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”

“Women should be obscene and not heard.”

“Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!”

“Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.”

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

“Room service? Send up a larger room.”

“I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.”

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”

“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.”

“A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.”

“Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?”

“Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”

“Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.”

“Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.”

“If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.”