H. L. Mencken

“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.”

“A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman.”

“Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly.”

“There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good.”

“A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.”

“In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.”

“It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.”

“If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.”

“No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man.”

“Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.”

“Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.”

“It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods.”

“Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on.”

“The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line.”

“The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.”

“A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.”

“A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.”

“A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.”

“Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse.”

“An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.”