Kinky Friedman

“When I'm governor... I'll be the first governor with a listed telephone number.”

“Students don't know who Mark Twain was because he wasn't on the test.”

“I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care.”

“Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.”

“If Willie Nelson had been Rosa Parks, there never would have been a civil rights movement in this country, because he refuses to leave the back of the bus.”

“I'll keep us out of war with Oklahoma!”

“Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.”

“I've always said money may buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail.”

“I have a better head of hair than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you.”

“Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.”

“I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes.”

“We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning.”

“The first thing I'll do if elected is demand a recount.”

“The teachers are getting screwed, blued, and tattooed by the system.”

“I admit to drinking it, but I did not swallow.”

“If you ain't Texan, I ain't got time for you.”