Les Dawson

“My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.”

“The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.”

“The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.”

“My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'”

“My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.”

“My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.”

“I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.”

“I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'”

“I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.”

“Slumps don't bother me.”

“When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.”

“I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.”