Norm MacDonald

“I don't really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I...”

“I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end, you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports mor...”

“So much in L.A. is waiting. It's so irritating. That's what's good about stand-up. You can go away, and you don't have to sit and wait by your phone. But it is very frustrating.”

“When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.”

“I sort of have open invitations from a lot of people to do TV. But it's very hard for me to do roles in sitcoms and movies because I'm not a great actor, so if the material isn't good, I'm i...”

“I'm happy doing stand-up, but I'll probably do a television show eventually. If not, I'll delve into this Internet world and decide best how to harness it. What I like best about it is the i...”

“You can't love your team without hating another team.”

“My dad had this thing - everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that's all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks,...”

“I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.”

“I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff.”

“Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.”

“You're trying your best to make people laugh; then if you fail, they hate you. But your intent's the same. It's not like you're trying to do evil to them.”

“Letterman is very intimidating because he's so funny, so you have to be really prepared. Also, he's a little squeamish about certain things, so you have to always be on guard to please him.”

“I have always loved Las Vegas. It's a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that.”

“In terms of merit, sports has mathematical statistics. That's how you know who the best player is.”

“I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.”

“It's a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you're good at it, then they go, 'How would you like to be a horrible actor?' Then you say, 'All right, that sounds good. I'll do...”

“I don't know anything about politics. I wouldn't put too much into my prediction on politics.”

“There are these showcase clubs where 14 guys will go on in a row and people are laughing at everything, and I'm like - 'I can't laugh that much. That's so weird to me.'”

“I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.”