Robert Benchley

“If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.”

“After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year.”

“It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.”

“Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.”

“Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.”

“Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.”

“In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.”

“The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.”