“After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are...”

“I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.”

“The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.”

“There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.”