“I’m well aware that this—that I—am the first man to ever do this to her. And yes, as a guy, that fact makes it even better. You know who Neil Armstrong is, don’t you? Now tell me who the sec...”

“You know on TV when there’s one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background? Well chirp fucking chirp...this is one of those moments.”

“She talks like you. It’s not every day you hear a four-year-old say Prince Charming is a douchebag who’s only holding Cinderella back.”