Daily Digest

“Think before you speak. Read before you think.”

“Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.”

“Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.”

“I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.”

“I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.”

“Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.”

“Nothing succeeds like address.”

“Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.”

“I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.”

“In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.”

“Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.”

“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”

“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”

“Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.”

“Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.”

“My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.”

“There is no such thing as inner peace, there is only nervousness and death.”

“If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.”

“If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.”

“Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.”

“Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he is buying.”

“There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness and death.”

“I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.”

“Humility is no substitute for a good personality.”

“Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.”

“Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.”

“The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.”

“Magazines all too frequently lead to books and should be regarded by the prudent as the heavy petting of literature.”

“My favorite animal is steak.”

“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.”

“Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.”

“Polite conversation is rarely either.”

“The best fame is a writer's fame. It's enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough to get you interrupted when you eat.”

“Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.”

“Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”

“As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.”

“Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.”

“Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.”

“Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.”

“If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.”

“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.”

“There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.”

“Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.”

“All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.”

“Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.”

“Andy Warhol made fame more famous.”

“I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.”

“Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.”