“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx62 likes
“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”
“From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
“Humor is reason gone mad.”
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”
“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”
“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.”
“Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.”
“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.”
“One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.”
“Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”
“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”
“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”
“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”
“Why, a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child.”
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”
“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”
“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.”
“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”
“Before I speak, I have something important to say.”
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”
“The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.”
“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”
“All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.”
“Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.”
“I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.”
“If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.”
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
“I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.”
“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”
“I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”
“Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”
“Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.”
“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
“Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.”
“I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.”
“I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.”
“I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.”
“Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.”
“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”
“Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.”
“Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?”
“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”