Garrison Keillor

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”

“Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.”

“And then I stand in front of God's Throne squinting up at His blazing glory and He says, 'You had your opportunities, boy. But did you listen? No. You went on heedlesly reading that garbagey magazine with pictures of naked girls in it. How juvenile! I gave geese more sense than that.' Please, God. I...”

“I think that if writers are tempted to do other things, they ought to go do other things. They should not write if they don't feel like it. I say this as a competitor. I am not interested in encouraging people who are in competition with me.”