W. C. Fields

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.”

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

“Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.”

“Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.”

“Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.”

“Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?”