Ambrose Bierce

“Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.”

“Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.”

“Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.”

“Trial. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.”

“A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms against himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be con...”

“Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.”

“Alien - an American sovereign in his probationary state.”

“Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.”

“Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.”

“Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.”

“Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.”

“All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.”

“To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense.”

“Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.”

“Enthusiasm - a distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience.”

“Consult: To seek approval for a course of action already decided upon.”

“Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.”

“Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.”

“The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge.”

“Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.”