Ambrose Bierce

“Education, n: that which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.”

“Hope is desire and expectation rolled into one.”

“Ignoramus: a person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.”

“Appeal in law: to put the dice into the box for another throw.”

“Litigant: a person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bone.”

“Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making, in all, two.”

“Philanthropist: a rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.”

“Peace: in international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.”

“Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.”

“Pray, v: to ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.”

“Heathen, n. A beknighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.”

“Infidel, n: in New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.”

“Perseverance, n.: A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves a glorious success.”

“Achievement: The death of an endeavor, and the birth of disgust.”

“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.”

“Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.”

“The covers of this book are too far apart.”

“Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”

“Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.”

“Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.”