Ambrose Bierce

“All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.”

“Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.”

“Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.”

“Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.”

“Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.”

“In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.”

“Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our h...”

“Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.”

“Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.”

“Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.”

“HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person...”

“Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is. Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable. Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a lang...”

“NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.”

“EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptia...”

“Beware of the compound adjective, beloved of the tyro and the 'poetess'.”

“Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.”

“Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.”

“Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.”

“Absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends.”

“When you doubt, abstain.”