Ambrose Bierce

“Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.”

“Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.”

“Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.”

“Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.”

“Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.”

“Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their readiness to doubt.”

“Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.”

“Ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity.”

“Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.”

“We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.”

“Genius - to know without having learned; to draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of things.”

“Confidante: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C.”

“Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.”

“Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.”

“Impartial - unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy.”

“Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.”

“Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.”

“Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.”

“Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.”

“Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.”