Andy Rooney

“Nothing in fine print is ever good news.”

“For most of life, nothing wonderful happens. If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are you're...”

“If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are you're not going to be happy. If someone bases his h...”

“It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.”

“We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come...”

“I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.”

“the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.”

“Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.”

“I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.”

“I just wish this social institution [religion] wasn't based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that...”

“I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.”

“Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.”

“I don't differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.”

“When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.”

“Let's make a statement to the airlines just to get their attention. We'll pick a week next year and we'll all agree not to go anywhere for seven days.”

“The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.”

“It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.”

“Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.”

“I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.”

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”