Dave Barry

“'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.”

“Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.”

“Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?”

“Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.”

“If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.”

“Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.”

“The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.”

“Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.”

“The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.”

“There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.”

“Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.”

“The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.”

“Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.”

“The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.”

“The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.”

“My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.”

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”

“The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.”

“We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.”

“Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.”