Dave Barry

“I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.”

“Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.”

“We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.”

“I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.”

“If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.”

“What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.”

“Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.”

“As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.”

“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.”

“If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.”

“We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.”

“The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.”

“And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.”

“It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.”

“The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.”

“The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.”

“If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'”

“I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.”

“The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.”

“For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.”