David Sedaris

“The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.”

“There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.”

“I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple.”

“Faced with an exciting question, science tended to provide the dullest possible answer.”

“People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there's nothing to miss. I don't see myself moving back. It's not that I hate the United States...”

“It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'Th...”

“Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise.”

“I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter' books.”

“To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news.”

“I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.”

“I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.”

“I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who's giving me attention? What p...”

“The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.”

“After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are...”

“I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.”

“People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?'”

“What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.”

“No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try.”

“I've been keeping diaries for 27 years.”

“Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it.”