Demetri Martin

“I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.”

“A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'”

“When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.”

“A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.”

“I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.”

“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.”

“I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more fo...”

“I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.”

“I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same pe...”

“I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'”

“I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.”

“As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.”

“Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.”

“They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.”

“My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if...”

“As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.”

“Let no man's deathbed be a futon.”

“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”

“But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.”

“My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.”