Demetri Martin

“Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress si...”

“I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.”

“People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in...”

“For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri,...”

“I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so sto...”

“If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”

“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”

“It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore...”

“It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.”

“If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!”

“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.”

“The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.”

“I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.”

“If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.”

“I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.”

“I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?'...”

“I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.”

“It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say t...”

“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'”

“I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.”