George Carlin

“'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?”

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.”

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”

“There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.”

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.”

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”

“Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.”

“The status quo sucks.”

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”

“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?”