George Carlin

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

“Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of f...”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”

“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

“I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

“Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”

“We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven't learned...”

“People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.' If you...”

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”

“If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?”

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.”

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”

“You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.”

“You know what these “God Bless America” people oughta do? They oughta check with that Jesus fellow they’re so crazy about. They’re always talking about “What would Jesus do?” They don’t wanna know so they can do it – they just wanna know so they can tell other people to do it!”

“Swearing on the Bible, you understand that shit? They tell you to raise your right hand and put your left hand on the Bible. Does this stuff really matter, which hand? Does God really give a fuck about details like this? Suppose you put your right hand on the Bible and you raise your left hand. Woul...”

“I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.”

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”

“'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?”

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.”

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”

“There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.”

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.”

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”

“Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.”

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”

“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?”

“I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I...”

“THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.”

“If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.”

“No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the...”

“You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.”

“It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to...”

“I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.”

“I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”

“Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.”

“I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.”

“There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.”

“Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if y...”

“To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the world, along with documented...”

“The status quo sucks.”

“So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”

“In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.”

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

“I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.”

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck”

“How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.”

“I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”

“It's never just a game when you're winning.”

“If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.”

“It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.”

“He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”

“Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom”

“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”