Jackie Mason

“Right now I have enough money to last me the rest of my life - unless I buy something.”

“Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?”

“I used to hear on the radio people like Jack Benny or Bob Hope, but I never had any interest in their type of humor. I thought that I could do something more substantially meaningful with si...”

“I have a great identification with Judaism as a religion and as a culture, and all the values that created such a great history, and the Jewish contribution to the betterment of all humanity...”

“If I'm a busboy in Philadelphia, then I have to be careful about what I say. But if I'm a public tycoon like Jerry Seinfeld, and I got a billion dollars in my pocket, he's got to be nuts to...”

“My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.”

“I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can h...”

“It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.”

“The truth is I'm not at all surprised of the longevity of my career. In fact, I would be surprised if the opposite were true and if my career did not have this longevity because I can't beli...”

“I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.”

“My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.”

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.”

“I didn't emphasize my Jewishness because I wanted to. I just happen to have been raised in a family where everybody happened to talk like this, so why would I talk like somebody else?”

“If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.”

“If you wanted to hear politics, you'd go to Henry Kissinger; you wouldn't go to hear Jackie Mason. The reason I speak about politics is because I know I can get a laugh out of it.”

“Predictions are preposterous.”

“I knew nothing about professional comedians when I became a comedian. I was a rabbi. So I had no professional comedians to learn from.”

“The Republican Party stinks because all of the Republicans have accomplished nothing, and they talk about all of these issues and do nothing about it for a whole lifetime.”