Jerry Seinfeld

“We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment.”

“I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of stand-up than ever before. I thought it would seem trite. Kind of li...”

“I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”

“I like definitive things.”

“I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.”

“Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think.”

“I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.”

“There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win.”

“For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For...”

“My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.”

“I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained.”

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.”

“My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.”

“Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy.”

“You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really l...”

“Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.”

“Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.”

“The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!”

“I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.”

“A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.”