Joan Rivers

“Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so the...”

“Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.”

“Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.”

“I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

“All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously.”

“She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.”

“Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.”

“I've never thought of it consciously... I say exactly what I think, and very often it's totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it's not shtick. But I think I'm th...”

“I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.”

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

“I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous.”

“It's feast or famine in showbiz.”

“I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.”

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”

“Show business is - you're there by somebody's fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you're fine. I'd do anything. There's so much I want to do.”

“Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There's no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he's doing an acting jo...”

“The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.”

“I am furious about everything.”

“I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.”

“Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it.”