Joan Rivers

“I could pull my living in and live OK, but I don't want to live OK. I'm very happy to live in my penthouse, very happy I can pick up a check, very happy to have a great life and be able to s...”

“Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman... I met Harry Truman... But you know what I mean? Nobody's interested. They want to know you met Rihanna. And that kills me.”

“I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.”

“Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them.”

“You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.”

“I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel...”

“I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.”

“I love Katy Perry! She's very charming.”

“Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.”

“I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.”

“I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change wha...”

“There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.”

“Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.”

“Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.”

“I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'”

“I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move f...”

“Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.”

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”

“I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.”

“I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.”