Joan Rivers

“I've always been salaried; I've never owned anything. I've done very well, lived very well.”

“Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million w...”

“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.”

“I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a li...”

“I hate reality shows that are not reality.”

“I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives.”

“I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.”

“Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.”

“You hear things about certain people. When you hear someone was mean to a limo driver or a wardrobe lady, or someone was rotten to a fan, somewhere in your brain it gets stuck.”

“Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.”

“I was a Brownie Scout mother.”

“I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.”

“Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.”

“I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”

“Every television show you go on is a choice.”

“I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.”

“I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.”

“It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.”

“It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.”

“What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror - anything that upsets me.”