Jon Stewart

“Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.”

“Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perha...”

“You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.”

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”

“Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.”

“By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.”

“The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.”

“If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.”

“The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.”

“Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.”

“Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on ot...”

“The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.”

“I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.”

“Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?”

“If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil right...”

“Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.”

“The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some...”

“Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.”

“Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is...”

“McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.”