Lewis Black

“Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.”

“Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?”

“They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watchin...”

“Jerry Falwell said that the reason that September 11th happened, the reason that God allowed it to happen, was because of certain people in our country. People like, and I'm quoting, 'the pa...”

“That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.”

“And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothi...”

“The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.”

“Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.”

“I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.”

“In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.”

“If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist.”

“I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.”

“The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.”

“The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.”

“When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so...”

“In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from...”

“Usually I'm too tired to apologize.”

“Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!”

“Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.”

“I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever.”