Mark Twain

“We are all alike, on the inside.”

“Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.”

“What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.”

“I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet....”

“When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.”

“It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.”

“Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.”

“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.”

“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.”

“Buy land, they're not making it anymore.”

“Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.”

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”

“I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

“The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.”

“We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world.”

“As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.”

“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.”

“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”

“Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”