Michael McIntyre

“I'm glad Carol Vorderman has left 'Countdown;' I mean, it's not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker.”

“There's nothing better than having a bright, blinding light in your face and being guided by big, rolling laughter. There's nothing more encouraging than hearing that huge sound. I've waited...”

“I usually do quite well with presents, but the problem with Christmas is it's such a big build-up and such a big day that if someone tests you the year after, you've got no idea what you got...”

“I always knew I was quite good at getting laughs. At school, I loved having a ready audience if I made a cheeky remark.”

“I think if anyone becomes so obnoxious to believe they could be a national treasure, they just need to go on Twitter and realise they're not. That's there to curtail anybody's confidence.”

“I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring and I even had it engraved - with the price.”

“I just find little things in life funny, it's why I giggle during my shows.”

“I don't eat huge amounts, I'm just very lazy. But then this story appeared about me being on a diet and several weeks later I was snapped on holiday with my ‘‘new physique'' on display, whic...”

“It's a weird one: nobody notices when a brilliant comedian is fat or has sweat marks under their arms. Peter Kay isn't in the best shape and neither is Ricky Gervais, and it doesn't matter....”

“I was trying to do one-liners and it took me years to realise I just had to be myself. My fear was if I was myself and no one found it funny, I'd have nowhere left to go.”

“I go to the British Comedy Awards and, you know, quite a few people were making jokes at my expense. It just made me feel awful, because I am there with my wife and she has gone out and boug...”

“Our family home, a large house in Hampstead, was sold to Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. I remember being told that 'someone who eats bats' was buying it.”

“I think actually performing on stage when everyone's facing you and you're one person facing them, that is quite a lonely thing in a strange way. You have to be quite insular from everybody...”

“Given this voice, I know it does sound like I've come from money. But my dad was Canadian and my mum Hungarian, so it's not like I have some high-society, upper-class English background.”