Pat Paulsen

“In opposition to sex education: Let the kids today learn it where we did - in the gutter.”

“The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon. I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot.”

“Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.”

“It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies.”

“We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was...”

“I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good.”

“I came down to Orange because I sold the Smothers Brothers a song called 'Chocolate,' and that gave me enough money to move down here. I was washing windows down in Orange County when they c...”

“Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.”

“Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home?”

“I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before...”

“The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees.”

“So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye.”

“All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.”

“Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.'”

“The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down.”

“You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can only make a monkey out of the voters every four years!”

“A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose?”

“I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.”

“Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not?”

“Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its 'saucy nuances.'”