Patton Oswalt

“I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out of me with steel pipes.”

“People will find transformation and transcendence in a McDonald's hash brown if it's all they've got.”

“I had to go back and reread the page a few times. As I read it, I kept drifting out of the book, out of the booth, and coasting on the green crest of the song, to the momentary idea that any...”

“Based on my own experience, when you're going through adolescence you don't know how the world works. You can't set a story in the world you live in because you don't know what a utility bil...”

“If you actually do cold readings, it's very close to how people actually talk, because you're experiencing these thoughts anew every moment, and trying to make them come out coherently.”

“What you want to worship above youth, I think, is beauty, and beauty is so beyond just appearances after a while. Because you can be with someone who's good-looking; if they open their mouth...”

“There's all kinds of those moments in your life where either through a weird set of circumstances, or a song you hear, or a smell you smell, or one person says something totally out of the c...”

“I'm still very much an atheist, except that I don't necessarily see religion as being a bad thing. So, that's a weird thing that I'm struggling with that seems to be offending both atheists...”

“Like, my feelings on religion are starting to morph. I'm still very much an atheist, except that I don't necessarily see religion as being a bad thing. So, that's a weird thing that I'm stru...”

“I think right now is the best time for stand-up, ever. I sincerely do.”

“This sounds like a brag, but I know how to make good fried rice. I learned in college. There are two secrets - take the rice after you cook it and let it get cold in the fridge. Then cook th...”

“I fantasize and idealize myself as Bugs Bunny, but I know deep down I'm Daffy Duck.”

“As you get older as a comedian and keep doing it, what you actually start to cherish on stage is not the build-up to the jokes, but how comfortable you can be in the silence and the non-laug...”

“If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.”

“If you play comedic scenes like they're really serious, then it's so much more funny than if you're going for a laugh.”

“Doing 'Young Adult' was really reassuring to me in a lot of ways. It confirmed a lot of suspicions I had about great actors.”

“Knock on wood, my groupies tend to be very artistic, creative people - sometimes way more creative than I am.”

“Now we live in this DVD, iTunes, Hulu age, and show creators and networks are realizing that and letting shows develop on those terms rather than 'We gotta just punch it week to week, man.'...”

“It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now.”

“It wasn't until I went to college and met different people from different areas of life - and then went to San Francisco and met people who really knew who the hell they were - that I kind o...”