Phyllis Diller

“I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.”

“I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.”

“Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.”

“Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.”

“What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”

“It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.”

“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”

“I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?”

“His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.”

“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?”

“Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.”

“I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'”

“The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.”

“My father used to call me the laughing hyena.”

“I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.”

“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”

“The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.”

“Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.”