Spike Milligan

“Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.”

“Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”

“Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.”

“My father being a soldier, every time I saw soldiers marching - 'Well,' I thought, 'my father's that,' and these soldiers were always looking magnificent. And I thought they were powerful; t...”

“We reach a secondary road and - here comes the bonus - we pass the Temple of Neptune and Cerene, at Paestum, both looking beautiful in the sunlight. Strung from the Doric columns are lines o...”

“I am afraid that, like Timon of Athens, I just cannot let go of my friendships.”

“May 8th 1943. Deluge. The rain not only fell mainly on the plain in Spain; it also fell mainly on the back of the bloody neck, dripping down the spine into the socks where it came out of the...”

“For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.”

“We come across thirty or so hurried graves with makeshift wooden markers. 'Private Edwards, E.', a number, and that was all. Fourteen days ago he was alive, thinking feeling, hoping... If wa...”

“I can't stand being late. I try to be professional. I try not to let people down. But people let me down. That's why I don't rely on anyone to call me. That's why I have clocks as well as pe...”

“I don't think of depression as contagious. Other depressed people challenge the idea - which can be very persistent and irritating - that there is something odd about you: that you are uniqu...”

“Unbeknown to me, my manager, under my very nose (in a crouching position) has all these years been secretly compiling a book from my correspondence. I often wondered what she was doing in my...”

“I'm a hero with coward's legs.”

“It was implanted in me that I came from a different class - an elevated class. I was cushioned by servants. I don't remember doing anything for myself. I only played and went to school.”

“Driver Shepherd and I had been detailed to drive Lt. Budden in the Wireless Truck. We had been standing by vehicles for an hour, and nothing had happened, but it happened frequently.”

“Is the modern social pattern of unending change and movement the cause of two modern diseases, insecurity and dissatisfaction? How lucky Thomas Hood was to be able to write, 'I remember, I r...”

“I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.”

“How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.”

“You couldn't enclose people in institutions or hospitals or almshouses in the way the Victorians managed to do. India was too big. Seeing the suffering people was terrible, but I think I was...”

“As I kept having episodes of depression, I realized that it was not a one-off: that I had, well, not a disease, really - more an illness.”