Terry Pratchett

“Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.”

“Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men.”

“My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being...”

“I get it,' said the prisoner. 'Good Cop, Bad Cop, eh?' If you like.' said Vimes. 'But we're a bit short staffed here, so if I give you a cigarette would you mind kicking yourself in the teet...”

“The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn't sure it was worth all the effort.”

“Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them”

“What kind of man would put a known criminal in charge of a major branch of government? Apart from, say, the average voter.”

“Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.”

“Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.”

“Yes! I'm me! I am careful and logical and I look up things I don't understand! When I hear people use the wrong words, I get edgy! I am good with cheese. I read books fast! I think! And I al...”

“The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind.”

“You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!' IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE. 'She's a child!' shouted Crumley. IT'S EDUCATIONAL. 'What if she cuts...”

“Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar.”

“And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's c...”

“The merest accident of microgeography had meant that the first man to hear the voice of Om, and who gave Om his view of humans, was a shepherd and not a goatherd. They have quite different w...”

“The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god).”

“This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs.”

“I comma square bracket recruit's name square bracket comma do solemnly swear by square bracket recruit's deity of choice square bracket to uphold the Laws and Ordinances of the City of Ankh-...”

“Bishops move diagonally. That's why they often turn up where the kings don't expect them to be.”

“Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.”