Terry Pratchett

“What's a philosopher?' said Brutha. Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,' said a voice in his head.”

“The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?”

“People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.”

“-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? -Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.”

“Wisdom is one of the few things that looks bigger the further away it is.”

“An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one - black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in a small...”

“The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy but they were listening in gibberish.”

“How can you protect yourself by carrying a sword if you don’t know how to use it?’ Not me, sir. Other people. They see the sword and don’t attack me,’ said Maladict patiently. Yes, but if th...”

“In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?”

“It was sad music. But it waved its sadness like a battle flag. It said the universe had done all it could, but you were still alive.”

“Granny was an old-fashioned witch. She didn’t do good for people, she did right by them.”

“He had about the same life expectancy as a three legged hedgehog on a six lane motorway.”

“Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where's your coffee? You've got coffee, haven't you? C'mon, everyone's got coffee! Spill the beans!”

“Death was standing behind a lectern, poring over a map. He looked at Mort as if he wasn’t entirely there. Yᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇɴ'ᴛ ʜᴇᴀʀᴅ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ Bᴀʏ Oғ Mᴀɴᴛᴇ, ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ? he said. “No, sir,” said Mort. Fᴀᴍᴏ...”

“Every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously at some time in its life.”

“Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen.”

“We are here and it is now. The way I see it is, after that, everything tends towards guesswork.”

“I’m not superstitious. I’m a witch. Witches aren’t superstitious. We are what people are superstitious of.”

“The universe danced towards life. Life was a remarkably common commodity. Anything sufficiently complicated seemed to get cut in for some, in the same way that anything massive enough got a...”

“Just because you can explain it doesn't mean it's not still a miracle.”