Tommy Cooper

“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”

“I always sit in the back of a plane. It's much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!”

“A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'”

“My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails, but I cured her. I hid her teeth.”

“A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the bl...”

“So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'”

“I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'”

“So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'”

“I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'”

“I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.”

“Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.”

“Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.”

“I haven't got an ad lib for people throwing bread rolls at my hat.”

“I've got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!”

“I'm recovering from a cold. I'm so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I'll cure someone.”

“So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'”

“Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!”

“Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that if we didn't have electricity, we'd be watching television by candle light?”

“I'm on a whisky diet... last week, I lost three days!”

“My wife said, 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.' I said, 'chocolate fudge.'”