W. C. Fields

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.”

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

“It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.”

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”

“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”

“When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer."”

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.”

“It was a woman who drove me to drink - and, you know, I never even thanked her.”

“Women are like elephants. They are interesting to look at, but I wouldn't like to own one.”

“A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.”

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”

“Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.”

“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”

“If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.”

“Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.”

“I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.”

“No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.”

“It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.”

“I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.”

“Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.”