W. C. Fields

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.”

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

“Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.”

“Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?”

“Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.”

“Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.”

“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”

“Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.”

“When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.”

“The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.”

“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.”

“You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”

“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.”

“The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.”

“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”

“Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”

“A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.”

“Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.”

“I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.”

“Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.”

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.”

“I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.”

“Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.”

“Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.”

“Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.”

“Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”

“I like children - fried.”

“I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.”

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”

“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”

“There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.”

“Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.”

“It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”

“Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.”

“The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.”

“I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.”

“I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.”

“I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.”

“If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.”

“Never give a sucker an even break.”

“Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.”

“It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.”

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”

“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”

“When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer."”

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.”

“It was a woman who drove me to drink - and, you know, I never even thanked her.”

“Women are like elephants. They are interesting to look at, but I wouldn't like to own one.”

“A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.”

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”

“If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.”

“Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.”

“I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.”

“No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.”

“It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.”

“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”

“I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.”

“Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.”

“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”

“I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.”

“I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.”

“I must have a drink of breakfast.”

“The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.”

“If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.”

“There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.”

“Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.”

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”