“After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are...”

“I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.”

“The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.”

“Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.”

“Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measur...”

“At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down wit...”

“The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.”

“Faced with an exciting question, science tended to provide the dullest possible answer.”

“but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.”