“I like being boring to a certain extent. I don't have to be flashy. I get to put all of that into a show, and when it's over, I don't have to be that.”

“I started off at the Second City in Chicago... It's an improvisational theater that ostensibly does social and political satire, but when I was there, we generally didn't. We did character w...”

“I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album.”

“Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.”

“So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.”

“I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever wri...”

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of...”

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.”