The Infinite Library

“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

“I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”

“Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.”

“The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.”

“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.”

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”

“How to make God laugh. Tell him your future plans.”

“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

“To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.”

“You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.”

“The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.”

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”

“If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.”

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”

“I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”

“The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.”

“I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.”

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.”

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”

“Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.”

“Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.”

“I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”

“I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.”

“What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?”

“Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.”

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”

“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.”

“If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.”

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”

“If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.”

“I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.”

“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”

“Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

“The best thing to do is to behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen and under, try not to go bald.”

“Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.”

“Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?”

“The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.”

“If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.”

“Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.”

“I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.”

“On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .”

“How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”

“I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.”

“I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.”

“In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.”

“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”

“I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.”