Fran Lebowitz

“Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.”

“Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or...”

“Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.”

“Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.”

“When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.”

“The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.”

“Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.”

“All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.”

“As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.”

“Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.”

“Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.”

“I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart...”

“I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.”

“You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.”

“Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.”

“Polite conversation is rarely either.”

“Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.”

“Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.”

“Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.”

“Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.”