Fran Lebowitz

“You're only as good as your last haircut.”

“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.”

“Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.”

“The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.”

“To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.”

“Humility is no substitute for a good personality.”

“Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really...”

“I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.”

“There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.”

“I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.”

“The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.”

“I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.”

“Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.”

“Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.”

“If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.”

“If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.”

“Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.”

“Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.”

“Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.”

“Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.”